The earth really did move then!
- You felt that too? - You better get used to it, with me around, baby.
There must have been something...
- My brothers says this place is cursed. - By sisters?
If they catch me stoned, and screwing with a mainlander, there'll be trouble.
Did you hear something?
- Oh, shit, it could be them. - Chill, relax baby.
- I'd better go. - Come back, baby!
Oh look, I'd better go. You really don't want to meet my brothers
- Come back baby. Don't bail on me. - I'm sorry.
Cripe! Fucking lightweight.
Very funny, Cat. Real scary.
Come on, baby. Why don't you come back.
Let's have some more fun. I can make the earth move for you again...
Oh, bollocks..!
What sort of fucked up country shit is this?
Is this your famous brothers idea of a joke, Cat? Cos it ain't funny!
It ain't funny at all.
Oh no, mate. What are you doing?
You don't have to do that, honestly.
God, God, can we talk about it?
Honestly... God... You don't need to do that!
Away with it!
Please, wait...wait!
Until the government admits what they really know,
we'll keep crusading to uncover the truth on your behalf.
So keep an open mind
and your cameras ever handy.
- What the fuck is that?! - What the hell?
Where's my camera?
No, no, yeah, we saw it, we saw it... It was awesome. It was like a mother ship...
It was coming down from the sky. And it sounded "wo-wo-wo".
Well, there's some pretty compelling evidence, proving further, that we, are not alone.
For Weird Worlde. I'm Michelle Fox.
Good night, stay strange and...
...keep watching the skies.
- What is it, Howard? - I got last months figures here.
Did our audience suddenly all die in a plane crash?
- We do all right.. - Do all right?
What are you, high on life?
I mean the Mormon Shopping Channel gets more viewers than this.
Listen, Michelle, either you deliver something special,
- or I replace you with someone who can. - OK, I get it!
and hey, I didn't say I didn't have any ideas!
...right...ahem...no...no...
OK, how about this? I've got a very strong lead on a recent alien abductee.
Abduction is hardly original, is it? What's your angle on that then?
Picture a backwater Welsh farmer's daughter. Here's the facts.
She's young, she's sexy.
She's abducted and now she's suddenly pregnant.
Here's the kicker though: She claimed that this all happened just one week ago.
- Look at the size of her stomach. - Who's the father?
Please tell me it's E.T!
I like it! Contact her, tell her you'll be over, and this is what we'll do.
That camera-man you like so much...
We're late.
- ...what's his name? - Ricky.
Right! Let's shoot this fucker.
Yeah, he's cheap.
- Does he come with crew? - Well, he's got his sound-man mate, Jack.
Marking. Scene 666. Take 1.
- Action! - Die, motherfuckers!
Fuck!
Sounds perfect, that's your crew covered.
Now, what have you got in the way of experts?
There is this one guy, he keeps emailing the show with these ridiculously pedantic corrections.
- I said "experts". - Oh, he is, complete anorak.
Head of B.U.R.C., don't ya know.
Plus, urban nerd like that... I reckon he'll do it for free.
Also, I want to see a reconstruction. Beef it up a bit.
Get some actor who can play the alien and the boyfriend.
My kingdom for a Babylonian whore, baby!
Get someone good.
Yeah, what about the girl?
Ah, let me guess? Candy?
Oh, yeah!
To Howard: "You bad bad boy!" Love, Candy.
We use her because she's good. Not because she's my girlfriend.
Oh, and Foxy...
For Christ's sake, make it sexy!
Come on, inflato-boy.
Listen.
On location shoots that involve long drives, comfort is king.
Don't be so embarrassed.
Plenty of people suffer from 4 minute miles. They got creams for it nowadays.
So why couldn't this fucking playstation be picked up in London, like everybody else?
Well, he's doing some important research.
I don't know, the guy's a nut!
Oh, dear, what've we got ourselves into?
You all right there, Mr. Gorman?
- Michelle Fox! - Hi.
Weird Worlde? Oh, oh, my God!
- It's a real privilege to meet you, Miss Fox. - Michelle, please.
Michelle... Wow!
- Oh, oh, I really love the show. - That's great.
Now, you won't believe some of the LEY-activity around here, Michelle.
Did I ever tell you about the time that I nearly collapsed a church, just by rerouting a LEY-line?
- You see, I believe that LEY activity... - Yeah!
Tell us about about it later though, Gavin. We're on a very, very tight deadline.
We've gotta get to the island before the tide comes in.
The tide?
Sacallum is a remote Welch island 2 miles off the Len Peninsula.
It's only accessible during low tide when you can drive across from the mainland
along this tidal cause-way called the "Devil's Spine".
We'll be lucky to have a spine left after this.
Geographically, the spine is amazing. It's on a major LEY-line, you know.
Really!
The island's owned by the Williams family. They've owned it for centuries.
It's been farmed since ancient times. Unusually fertile ground.
No shops, no neighbors, no pubs.
And one of the most amazing stone-circles in the whole of Great Britain.
Oh, it's going to be absolutely fascinating! Don't you think?
Absolutely shit! I think.
No pubs!
Oh, man! Wales!
TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT
It's so dodging cold!
They do know we're coming, right?
Maybe they've all been abducted?
Hello? Miss Williams?
Anyone?
Welcome... to fuckin' Wales.
I can't find the fucking light switch. Hang on.
Hello?
Anybody home?
Just the wind, sugar.
Aw, shit!
Nice...
Jesus Christ!
Fucking shit.
Fabulous!... Dinner!
Goldilocks, we're home!
- Yeah, where's the three fuckin' bears, aye? - Oh, who cares? I'm starving.
Shoot that for me.
What's with those gas masks?
The military must have got here first. Our investigation is screwed. They'll bury this.
Does anybody speak Welsh?
- Excuse me. Ah, sirs, does anyone here speak english? - English?!
Does anyone here know Cat Williams? You see, I'm here to interview her for television, see.
- Jesus Christ! Show him some fucking thing! - Whoa, whoa, whoa!
For fucks sake, stop!
I must apologize about my brothers. They don't speak English.
English!
And they're not used to strangers.
What's with the suits?
We may be cut off here, but not everything's old-fashioned.
We have a very progressive power-supply. Manure.
What?!
We collect the waste product from the livestock and keep it in a holding system out back.
The hydrogen-sulphide it produces, powers this whole place.
It needs a bit of maintenance, so...
Fart-gas for power. I can see that catching on.
- Can you give us the location fees you promised? - Here you go...
I'm sorry, I was asleep when you arrived. I left you out some food.
Local recipe. Mostly cow's brain.
Right! Well, I think we could all do with some sleep.
We've got a very busy day's filming, tomorrow.
How long's it take to get to the Devil's Teeth?
I'm afraid my brother's don't really approve of what I'm doing.
- I hope they're not gonna be any trouble. - Me too. They're mostly harmless.
Oh, a fellow "Hitchhikers Guide" fan, I see?
Yeah...
What did your brothers say, back then?
That they've seen bad omens in the sky.
That no proper christian should go near those Devil's stones.
It's a cursed place.
Oh, oh, there's an intriguing old legend about the stones.
They're reputably the upper gates of hell.
Should the Devil ever manage to escape his prison...
the stones themselves would cast him down from heaven.
Man is still infinitely small in all these...
Please, show me something.
One UFO, or a glimpse of an EBE. Please...
Oh shit, I've overslept!
Huh? What the fuck..?
The name's Gorman. Gavin Gorman.
The only way that we can save your planet, is if we copulate.
The dream... must get back to my dream...
- Mr Gorman, please, wake up, please! - What's the matter!
You've got to believe me, I've just seen one of those FUO thingies. Quick!
UFO!
How's that for a fucking guy shot!?
- Woof, woof, Pussy. - Look at it, big boy.
Oh, yeah!
Ride Ricky's long legs!
Jesus Christ!... Gavin, Candy?! Get the fuck out of here!
Dreadfully sorry to interrupt, but, but, but, ah...
Candy... UFO... saw... grab your camera!
Perhaps we should phone SETI?
I don't suppose you happened to note down its quadrant in the sky?
Setee? Is that got to do with a sofa?
No, no, no. SETI: The Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence.
Def lad, I don't think little miss tits'n ass is down with any kind of intelligence.
She probably dreamt it.
Page one of the actors handbook: Use your bleeding imagination!
- No offense. - None taken!
Who or what would do that?
- Maybe it's the visitors way of communicating? - Don't think the visitors would use standard 6" nails.
Now that's fucked up!
Fuckin hell, that's fucking disgusting!
- My God, we can't leave it like that. - Someone's so gonna have to kill it.
Come on guys, it'll be a mercy killing.
You know, those farmers really freak me out...
Oh!
Thank you... Thank you!
I knew you'd reveal something to me.
As the head of British UFO Research Commitee...
...it is with great honor that I hereby welcome you to our humble planet.
Um... Why not?...
May you live long, and prosper.
Wow, this is amazing, isn't it? A crop-circle. Real proof of alien visitation.
Yeah, there's no doubt about aliens now. Looks like the porno queen was right, aye?
First time for everything.
Get your camera, Ricky, my lad. We need to film this!
- This is proof. - Yeah, I wish that were true.
What do you mean, Gorman? This is your dream come true.
No, it's a lie! You made the crop-circle with these.
And don't tell me you don't know how to.
- But we don't know how! - Oh, please, you had the usual...
Doug & Dave art terrorism bit and how to make a crop circle on your own show last month!
Yes, it's my dream to find real evidence of alien activity.
You don't know how important that is to me.
There's a lot of people out there who want there to be more
to this world than their crappy 9 to 5 slavery.
You should be ashamed of yourselves. I thought your show was the voice of truth.
- You have a responsibility to the public. - Yeah, to entertain them!
Try to understand my position. OK, in 2 years of reporting for the show,
I've never seen a ghost, goblin, monster or a UFO.
I'm sorry, but for me, this is just a living.
If I don't get a hot story this week, then my show is finished.
- Do you want that? - I want the truth.
Yeah, well the truth ain't out there.
It's good job the aliens weren't real,
you greeted to them with a line from fucking Star Trek, for fucks sake!
As head of B.U.R.C. I could not let you film this as evidence of real alien activity!
Well, we haven't yet.
Nobody fucks with a UFO enthusiast!
Oh, the bastard's ruined it!
Why bother filming it now, they'll never let that one air.
Pick it up before the watershed, Ricky.
- Sorry for oversleeping. - Oh, don't worry, didn't miss a thing.
Right!
I'm sure we all want to get off this picture postcard paradise as quickly as possible
so let's keep this tight, people.
Actors, you wanna get suited, and Beauty Bill kick off with the interviews.
Ricky? Ricky! Can you come over here a second, babe?
I just wanna run over some, ah, technical things.
That's odd...
It's the complete opposite of Avebury.
What's up?
- Ow! - Fuckin' hell.
You have some dodgy wiring there, don't you, mate?
No, no, no, it's from the stones.
The stone circles are known to receive energy. They power the LEY-lines.
But this seems to be... emitting it.
Sometimes you get this sort of activity when the site's connected to an underground tunnel.
Oh, I'd love to get a look beneath this lady's skirt.
I bet you would, you dirty bastard!
Nice one.
Bonza, let's shoot this fucker!
So, Miss Williams, tell me exactly what happened on that horrific night.
Hello...
But you and your boyfriend smoked a lot of pot that night.
Are you sure you weren't just high and paranoid?!
Paranoid?
For fuck's sake,
I was forced to watch him being brutally murdered, and could do nothing about it.
I reported it and wasn't taken seriously.
I thought you'd understand...
Well, the police still have him listed as a missing person,
and the body's never been found, has it?
You think I killed him?!
I'm just trying to understand what actually happened here.
Yeah...
I'm painfully aware of how ridiculous my story sounds.
And the only reason I'm telling it to you,
is to get money for an abortion
or termination of whatever the fuck is alive inside me!
Believe me, this isn't a pathetic cry for attention or a cheap shot at fame.
Which no doubt is something you'd understand.
So here's the deal...
You wanna talk about alien-rapists. Fine...
But making me look like some stupid back wood's slut
with a drug problem just isn't gonna happen! Are we clear!
Actually, I was gonna make you a lucrative offer to film the alien birth.
Jesus!
Still, that was great! Real emotion. Top television.
Howard's gonna love it.
- Did you hear that? - What, babe?
- Oh no, come on, finish me off! - We're near the noises... I've got to go.
So you run off over there...
No....don't....don't....no...not me...no!
OK, everyone, that's a wrap.
Shame nothing real happened. Never does...
- Fuckin' woman drivers, aye? - Yeah.
Fuck you two. The bastard thing just cut out.
I doubt the AA cover Hell island.
OK, try it again.
I can't understand it.
Come on, baby.
Why you so blue?
What the fucking hell's the matter with our bovine chums?
Yeah, something spooked 'em good.
Let's go and have a look. Could be Gavin's mates.
Fuck that! I'm a sound man, I don't do curious.
Pussy.
OK, try it again.
You still not feeling well, love?
Well, don't worry.
The doctor is in.
Give it another go!
Shit!
Fucking shit all over...
Cattle mutilation is a common alien trait, ain't it, Gorman?
Flattening crops is one thing, but mutilating cattle for the sake of a TV program...
...that's just sick!
That's ridiculous! We didn't do this, Gavin!
Well, whatever done it, done it recently.
Did you see something?
Oh, for God's sake!
What did you see?
- Was it reptilian or gray? - Pissed off, I'd say.
Candy! Go, go, go! Go!
Start the engine! Come on! Start the engine!
Start...work...!
Fucking hell!
Start the engine! Come on! It'll work.
Come on, Michelle, this isn't covered by our insurance!
We're supposed to be responsible for the safety of these people.
Well, I vote we get off this island now!
I'm a character actor, not a fucking hero!
I can't believe you people!
This could be the most significant event of our century,
perhaps all history!
He's right. This is what we're here for. This story could change everything for us!
Yeah, our status from living to dead!
Show him the footage.
Did you see something? What did you see?
Was it reptilian or...
Well, they took that well... What do you think they got in mind?
This is actually worth that tempo night.
I'm so going to speak to my agent about this one.
Yeah, but if they can't get you a better gig than funny socks, I wouldn't boff 'em.
Hey, monkey-boy.
This could be the chance of the lifetime, you know.
We've gotta go back out there.
Newsflash! We can get some real footage of aliens here!
Not the usual fuzzy out-of-focus amateur shit.
Have you any idea how much the world wide rights would be worth?
That's a lot of bananas!
Nice weapon.
Fuck!
Question: Where in Hades do the love couple think they're driving off to?
What? Deserting us here? Huh! Meteor ass wipes.
- Come on bitch, what you talking about? - Oh yeah, nice mates, leaving you here!
At least we'll be safe here darling.
Although, perhaps a sneaky little drink to calm our nerves, yes?
- What the hell is this?! - Local brew.
Too much for gay city slickers?
Yes...well... at least I'll never get pregnant!
Loser!
Oh, come on, Ricky. We need to film.
Fuckin' hell..!
The air taste like shit in here!
Yeah, it's even worse than manure ville farm.
I don't even wanna know how this technology works!
Three seater model.
Naught to light-speed in about 6.2 seconds.
All the latest in ah...
brain steering.
Well, at least we know how many aliens are out there now.
Right!
The mainland police say that they don't have a protocol for an alien invasion,
but he wished us a nice evening. The bastards!
Oh! I think that's kind of sweet.
Did you see that? Her nose just lite up like a fuckin' christmas tree.
Amazing! It's an implant!
They're either got her on a tracking device up there, or...
...on some kind of remote control.
- Do you think this is a good idea? - I think it will be safer for us all if we get it out.
Too much for gay city slickers, aye?
Looks like the locals get smashed on it too.
"It's show time, kids!"
"You'll burn in hell."
Come on, Cat.
Time to get in the game.
Got to sort my head out.
This is Michelle Fox, reporting from on board an actual alien craft.
Wow!
Oh, man...
This stuff really is amazing, isn't it?!
Wow!
Oh, shit!
Oops.
- What the fuck are you doin'?! - Well, hand me the money and I'll let you know!
Jesus fuckin' Christ, what the fuck is that?!
Just
keep
filming.
That's a good boy!
Come on. Sit, boy!
Little bastard!
Jesus Christ! Help get it off!
- Wait...I'm... - Fuckin' hell!
Nice doggie.
Roll over!
Play....dead!
Let's get away from here, before the owners miss Fido.
Jesus, you fuckin' rocked back there, babe.
- Thanks - It's OK.
I fuckin' hate pets!
I think we should go outside and take a look. This is a chance for contact.
Yeah, great! Let's go out and duke it out with the monsters from outer space!
Actually, they prefer to be called "visitors".
Yeah, like you'd know, cos you read it on fuckin' Internet!
- Hey, don't pick on him just cos he's braver than you. - Oh, shut up!
- Aah! - What bravery!
Oh, my God, you guys have got to see this! You will not believe what those farmers have done!
This might not bode well for inter-species harmony, but...
...they're real!!
Aliens are real!
Thank you! Thank you, lord!
Yea, hallelujah! Don't say you never "told you so", Gorman. Don't hold back or nothin'.
Excuse me! Before we start the picnic,
why do you think it's safe for us to swan about out here?
We saw their ship. It seats 3 and we've now seen three alien corpses.
- We're fine. - So where are our heroic farming chums now, then?
Well, they were burning the other two alien bodies over there somewhere.
Cat?
- Sounds like trouble. - Let's go check it out.
Great!
Jesus.
Oh, man, this is bad! We gotta get out of here, now!
Ditto, Sweeties. This is just getting too real for me.
Those farmers looked pretty macho. What chance have we got?
Gorman! Fuck, don't do that!
Hurts on the farmers! You said there were none of these ET things left alive!
Perhaps we was wrong about the amount of aliens on that ship.
- Perhaps Fido had a bigger brother? - Fido?
Yeah, weird sort of killer pet...
Oh, I wish I could have seen that. What did it look like?
Excuse me, Gorman. I think we've got more pressing concerns!
- We should get back to the mini-bus. - Yeah.
For safety, arm up with whatever you can find.
Gorman, you're the alien expert. How do we beat these fuckers?
These are the first aliens I've ever met, but I think the farmers over reacted.
- We should try and communicate with them. - I think it's a little late to try and win them over, honey!
Here, why didn't I get a weapon?
These are our weapons. We're pro's.
I don't know what dream you're dreamin', but I ain't buying it, Sunshine.
OK, look...
At most, there can only be one alien left on the prowl.
Yeah? You better make that two.
Jesus is missing.
- Oh, well. Lucky I've got me boom pole, aye? You fuckin'... - Secure that shit, Campbell!
Guys! Keep it together. We really shouldn't be making all this noise.
- Fuck! - Jesus Christ!
Sorry, loveys...
I'm blind!
Quick, get everyone back to the bus! I'll try and hold them off.
For fucks sake, Gorman! Spark up that chainsaw!
Never thought I'd be pleased to see him!
- Ahh, my fuckin' eyes! - Get him out of here!
Get me out of here.
Can you get my cane?! I do actually feel safer with it.
Get me out... Get me the fuck out of it.
- Oh, fuck! - OK, everybody meet us back at the bus.
I thought I had a death scene there.
- Oh, my God, we can't leave him like that. - Wounds that bad, he's good as dead.
Well, someone's got to do something!
Just think, this footage, it isn't just gonna make us rich,
it's gonna win us awards!
Yeah, which our ghosts will collect posthumously, if we don't fuckin' leave!
Guys, come on, relax. We're gonna get through this.
- Oh, fuck! - What? What happened?
- One of them just got Foxy! - Oh, shit.
- I've got to go and get her. - No, Rick!
Fuck, if they've got her, she's dead.
You go off on your own, you're dead. You leave me here on my own, and I'm dead.
The only chance we got of living through this is to get to the bus, now!
You know I'm right!
Are you OK?
No.
Thanks for fuckin' waiting, you wankers!
Hey, where's Michelle? Or would you sell her out, too?
I guess they realised what a phony she was after all, huh.
Fuck you, playstation! You don't know anything about her!
Does anyone wanna switch seats?
Bet anyone 50 quid it won't start.
I did that!
Just to be sure.
Whoopee-fuckin'-doo!
We managed to kill one whole alien!
Im-fuckin'-pressive!
Where's Gavin gone?
- He must be dead. We're all gonna die here! - You can stop that shit, right now, mate!
Foxy died for a stupid TV show. Was it worth it, aye?
Oh, come on, guys! At least we've got wheels.
Surely things can't get any worse.
What the fuck? Do they still have earthquakes in Wales?
- It's not an earthquake! - Of course it fuckin' is, the ground's shaking!
- Oh! - Oh, what?
- What's happening? - We're gonna need a bigger boat.
What?!
It's beautiful!
Hey, it's like a giant mobile phone on charge.
Oh oh! This doesn't look good!
Behind us! Behind us!
Ow! Shit!
Yow!..
Fuckin' hell! What was that?!
Wahoo! How's that?!
- That's a six! How's that? - Oh, really?
Fuckin' hell.
Aw, shit! Love!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck! Fuck!
- Oh, I should have fuckin' seen that one coming! - What? Seen what?
Oh, fucking... God hates us!
Oh, we just have to wait for the tide to go out, then we can leave.
Fuckin' cuntsy wag! I want out of this chicken shit unit and off this rock!
Oh, yeah, and how the fuck you gonna do that, Houdini?
Please, be gentle with me! It's my first time.
Don't...please...
No....!
Don't...please...
Aww...!
Shame I didn't have a camera. I could interview you...
...to find out how you feel.
Oh, God.
Gavin!
Oh! Oh, thank God!
Please. Please. Help me! You gotta get me out of here.
Oh, "Gavin", is it now? Well, laddie-da.
Don't you remember earlier? The way you treated that poor girl Cat and her "crazy story"?
Well, lookie what "miss crazy" just did to you!
Please, Gavin. I'm sorry, I...
I know I was...out-of-order to everyone, but I was just doing a job!
Oh, jobs worth, are we? You know what I'd call this moment?
Poetic justice.
Sorry, I'm gonna leave you here to rot. Bye, bye!
No...
Just kidding!
What? You didn't really think I was gonna go off, did you?
Oh, Gavin! Thank God.
Come on, man, you're breaking up the band!
I'm sorry I'd rather die drowning than be alien probed and ripped to pieces!
- Still, each to his own, aye? - Mate, we've gotta get back to the bus!
This place is gonna be swarming soon.
We'd be better of barricading ourselves up at the farm.
That's just "Day of the Dead" without the helicopter!
Oh, man, I told you Wales was shit!
- You can barely see, mate! - I don't need to be able to see to swim straight!
- Fighting those currents is suicide! - So's staying here! I'm sorry, mate!
- Bye! - Hold on.
- Take one of these. - Yeah.
Proof that you're not completely mad, if you make it.
Look, man...
- I'll buy you a pint on the other side, aye. - Yeah.
It's been special.
Right. Go on.
Fuck!
GOD HATES TREK
Come on, England! Come to papa!
We're lost.
This whole ship looks exactly the same.
- Oh, what in Roddenberry's name is that?! - Fido! It's Fido!
Well, this is the scout ship! It must have gone right to the middle.
Great! So what we gonna do, fly out?
Not so hard! Gentle.
She obviously responds to a bit of, you know... fore-play.
Ho, ho, ho, it's working!
Go up!
Up
Up! Up!
Go up!
Oh, this is just cracking!
Gavin, I'd like to stay on earth.
Die!
Come on!
I can't see a fuckin' thing! We're gonna have to make the rest of the way on foot, guys.
OK.
Here, take this.
Right!
Get ready for this.
- Shit, we're out of ammo! - Brain 'em.
Go for the helmets. Seems they don't like our air anyway.
Wow!
- What is that thing? - Salvation.
What say we go harvest some aliens? Hey, farmer, do you know how to drive that thing?
How difficult can it be?
Dials...
Key...key...
Ready to go.
Ummm....right.
Come on, you bastards! Come at me!
Suck on my fat combine!
Huh?
Ohh...
Shit...!
Oh, fuck it!
Oh, my God. That was awesome.
Oh, shit. Which way?
Oh, sorry Ricky.
I've got a really bad feeling about this.
Whoops!
Have you actually passed your test, Gorman?
Where's Ricky?
He never gives up his tapes.
Did he have some sort of plan?
That's done it!
You wanna fuck with her, extra? Come on then!
Oh, shit.
Fuck!
Eat shit!
What is the point in doing that? It never works in zombie movies!
Well...
Michelle, they're controlling you.
You've got to fight it! I know the real you can hear me.
Maybe not..!
You wanker!
It's incredible.
Press space-bar to activate.
You, and your alien mates, are fucked!
No alien mother fucker gets the better of Jack Campbell!
Where's the..?
Bollocks!
Translation: AntiJw Updated 11-20-2010.